A new priest at his very first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak and delivered an awful sermon. 

Afterward, he asked the monsignor for advice on how to “relax.”

The monsignor said,
“When I get nervous on the pulpit, I put a large glass of vodka in front of me instead of water. If I start to shake or stammer, I take a little sip.”

The next Sunday, the young priest followed that advice. At the start of the sermon, he felt nervous and began to shake and stammer — so he took a drink. Then another. And another. 

He ended up preaching up a storm, full of energy, theatrics, and vigor!

When he returned to his office after Mass, he found a note pinned to the door from the monsignor with some additional advice:

Sip the altar vodka; don’t gulp.

There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his rear.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”

The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are not “Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.”

David slew Goliath; he did not “kick the holy crap” out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was “stoned off his rear.”

We do not call the cross “the Big T.”

The Virgin Mary is not “Mary with the Cherry.”

And the proper grace before meals is not: “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.”

Sometimes a little less of the “Holy Spirit” makes for a better sermon.